Btch Came Back
by immortalwizardpirateelf-fan
Summary: One-shot Based on the Theory of a Deadman song...what happens when Bella and Edward decide to stop a "stalker" in her tracks at one of their concerts.


**Bitch Came Back**

By immortalwizardpirateelf-fan

M-English-Romance/Humor

Disclaimer: I do not nor have I ever owned the wonderful characters created by Stephanie Meyer or the song by the band Theory of a Deadman.

_I can't believe she has the nerve to show up here_, the fuck hot bronze sex hair god thought as he glanced through the crowd.

"Edward?" the melodic voice of his girlfriend, who was also the lead female vocalist and lead rhythm guitar player in their band called out. "What's wrong babe?"

Edward, the name of said sex god, sighed and turned to his girlfriend, pulling her into his arms at the same time. "Noth—" but the look his girl gave him made him pause, "All right, I just looked out into the audience and saw 'Skankya' sitting there in the front row Bells."

With a derisive laugh Bella raised an eyebrow, "Seriously? When will she get a fucking clue? You do not and never will want that disease ridden, over used pussy. I guess she is what they meant with the saying 'dumb blonde'." An evil smirk came over her face. "Want to send her a get lost message?"

One look at the smirk on his love's face and Edward couldn't help but laugh and know that this was going to be epic.

"You know I do," he replied as he pulled her in for a kiss.

"Oi, lovebirds come on we have to get on stage or we won't get paid. Cullen, what did I tell you about seeing you with your hands on my baby sister?" a loud boisterous voice yelled out.

Edward rested his forehead against Bella's as he tried to prevent the laughter bubbling up. "The same as I told you about your hands on my baby cousin Emmett," he shot back.

Laughing, Bella looked at Edward, "Want to know my idea?" Edward nodded, "You know the song, 'Bitch Came' by Theory of a Dead Man?"

That caused even more laughter as they hurried to get their instruments and tell Emmett, Bella's older brother and their drummer, Jasper, their lead bassist and back up vocal, and Alice and Rosalie the back up vocalists the change in their set for the night.

"Wait, so we're adding 'Bitch Came' as our first song of the night?" Jasper asked, "To get this 'stalker' off your back?" Edward and Bella nodded. "Hell, I think I can speak for everyone when I say we're all in, right."

"Of course!"

"You know I am!"

"Can't wait to see the look on the bitch's face when she hears the song."

All came from Emmett, Rosalie and Alice once they heard the idea.

Twenty minutes later the band walked on stage, as lead singer and guitarist, Edward stepped up to the center mike, "Hello UDUB! We are 'Volturi Sucks'. We're going to switch it up a little tonight and instead of starting off with our own songs we're going to do a cover of a favorite of ours. So put your hands together for 'Bitch Came' by Theory of a Deadman."

The crowd went wild and began moving as the first strains of the song began.

_**The bitch came back the very next day**_

_**Oh the bitch came back thought she was a goner**_

_**But the bitch came back she couldn't stay away**_

_**Don't you know the bitch came back**_

_****__**I like her so much better when she's down on her knees**_

_**Cause when she's in my face that's when I'm starting to see**_

_**That all my friends are laughing thinking that we belong**_

_**Well she's so fucking stupid that she's singing along**__**  
><strong>_

_**The trouble with girls is they're all the same**_

_**Forget the diamonds and pearls they just want a ring**_

_**Before you know it you're like a dog on a leash**_

_**Well you can try and change the world but you won't change me**__**  
><strong>_

As Edward sang he thought he would steal a look at Tanya and shook his head when he saw she really was as dumb as the song was implying.

There she was, singing along with the song acting like she had not a care in the world. Oh well, he and Bella would deal with her after the show, and after he proposed to Bella on stage.

_**The bitch came back the very next day**_

_**Oh the bitch came back thought she was a goner**_

_**But the bitch came back she couldn't stay away**_

_**Don't you know the bitch came back**__**  
><strong>_

_**There she goes again just always breaking my balls**_

_**No matter what I do somehow its always my fault**_

_**She says I must be cheating cause I turned off my phone**_

_**But that's the only frickin way she'll leave me alone**__**  
><strong>__**The trouble with girls is it's never enough**_

_**Love to complain and they never shut up**_

_**Go on and tell the world just don't tell me**__**  
><strong>_

_**The bitch came back the very next day**_

_**Oh the bitch came back thought she was a goner**_

_**But the bitch came back she couldn't stay away**_

_**Don't you know the bitch came back**_

Edward was not the only one to notice the pure 'dumb blondeness' that was Tanya Denali. Bella who had been playing right next to Edward, noticed as well and just rolled her eyes. Why couldn't the slut take the hint? Didn't she realize just how utterly pathetic she was throwing herself at a man who was obviously taken and in love with another woman?

_**The bitch came back the very next day**_

_**Oh the bitch came back thought she was a goner**_

_**But the bitch came back she couldn't stay away**_

_**Don't you know the bitch came back**__**  
><strong>_

_**The bitch came back the very next day**_

_**Oh the bitch came back thought she was a goner**_

_**But the bitch came back she couldn't stay away**_

_**Don't you know the bitch came back**_

The rest of the set continued on without incident. Much to the surprise and happiness of the band. As the set came to a close, Edward waved his hand to the people who were working the lights. A moment later instead of the whole stage being lit up, there were only two spotlights, one on Edward and one on Bella.

A smile formed on Edward's face as he began to speak, "As most of you know, Volturi Sucks' lead rhythm guitarist, Bella and I have been dating for six years," he turned towards Bella and knelt down on one knee. "Bella, my love, I promise to love you ever single day of forever, will you do the extraordinary honor of becoming my wife?"

Bella dropped her guitar in shock as tears ran down her face. But after a moment of shock she threw herself at him saying loudly for all to hear, "YES!"

Neither of the two lovers took notice of Tanya sneaking backstage.

As Edward, Bella and their family were wrapping up the concert, a certain Miss. Denali took it upon herself to sneak into Edward and Bella's changing room.

As she got to the door, she looked up at the names on it and snorted quietly as she read Bella's name. _Whore, I should be the one with him not her. She's probably pregnant, that's the only reason he is still with her and proposed._

As one could easily tell, Tanya was not a woman who was used to hearing the word "No". More than likely it came from being an only child who was spoiled by parents who had her late in life.

Ignoring the little bit of conscience she had in her pea-sized brain, Tanya quickly entered the room and in a flash of what she thought to be utter inspiration, she discarded all of her clothing and laid herself out on the couch in the far corner.

It was not long before she heard voices coming from the hall outside the door.

"Edward are you serious? You really asked Charlie's permission for my hand in marriage?" she could hear Bella ask in disbelief.

"Of course, you know I want to do everything right," Edward exclaimed, "Besides it only helped him like me more for you instead of the damned dog."

She could hear Bella laugh heartily. "As if he stood a fucking chance. That boy is just that, a 'BOY'. He's five years younger than me and doesn't want to leave home. I want more in life in addition to having a family," she said.

"God I love you," she heard Edward say before a thud on the door shocked her.

A moment later, "Edward, inside our room." Edward must have nodded because no sooner had Bella spoke than the door was opened.

Edward was the first person to see her and stopped in his tracks causing Bella to bump into him.

"What the… Edward…" however the sentence died on her lips as Bella looked up at his face and saw the anger flashing in his eyes then looked over to the couch where he was looking.

"Oh fuck no," Bella muttered under her breath.

Tanya took this as her moment, "Oh, hi Easy-bella," she then looked up at Edward, thinking the look on his face was one of lust for her, "Eddie, please tell me that your little proposal out there was just a way to make me jealous?" she asked, running her hand up and down her side.

Edward cocked an eyebrow, "Seriously? The only 'EASY' girl here I see is you. You're nothing but a slut who fucks everything with a cock. Why do you think I would want someone I can't and would never trust?"

"B-b-b-b-but Ed-" Tanya tried whining and begging, but was interrupted.

Bella turned to Edward and gave him a smirk. "Why don't you go get security love while I take care of the trash," she said.

Edward chuckled. "Don't do anything permanent my Bella. I love you," he replied with a peck to her lips before walking back out the door. As soon as the door was shut, Bella turned towards Tanya, a look of pure fury on her face.

Ignoring her sense of self—preservation and self-respect Tanya dug herself an even bigger hole. "Why don't you just leave Slut-ella, you know Edward is just with you because you're like comfortable pair of shoes…" she began, trying to knock down Bella's confidence in Edward's love.

Bella threw her head back and laughed. "Seriously? You're delusional bitch. Now I suggest you leave Edward and I alone or you will be brought to court for harassment, stalking and trespassing."

Tanya realizing now that there was no way she'd succeed in getting the man she wanted, decided to leave before security got there and let tears fill her eyes.

"Oh save your tears. You look like an idiot. And for fuck's sake get dressed," Bella scolded her as if she were a child.

As requested, Tanya got dressed and was about to walk out the door when she was met with security and Edward.

"Ma'am, you're going to have to come with us," the taller of the two guards said as he held out his arm pointing out the door.

Tanya nodded her head, then looked down as she practically ran out of the room. Once she was out of sight the other guard spoke up, "We're sorry about that. It seems that the guard who had been in charge of this area was using the restroom and never bothered to find someone to cover for him."

Edward and Bella looked at each other and then the guards. "It's over and done, let's not have this happen again. Shall we?" Edward said, though the tone in his voice brooked no argument. "What would have happened if it had been a couple of people or even just a man and my fiancée had been here by herself?"

After making their apologies again, the guards left, leaving the newly engaged couple to their own devices.


End file.
